Stress and the Sober Girl

I did two really difficult things today, without even considering (at the time) that they were hard things.  Now here I am, sitting down for a minute out of what has been a *very* long day, realizing that…wow…I sort of kicked ass today.

First, I’ve been waking with migraines,  which is sucky all by itself.  But I’m also waking early enough that nobody else is up.  It’s both irritating and refreshing.  I get time alone in the morning, which should be good for journaling, meditating, and planning out my day.

But the migraines.

It’s hard to journal through migraine pain, and even harder to plan my day.  So I’ve been taking my migraine meds and meditating.  That’s a good fit.  And it doesn’t wake everyone up.

But wait!  Even though migraines suck and I deserve to whine and cry and kick my feet for a bit about how much it sucks to wake EARLY and be up with a migraine in what could be quiet space…that’s not one of the hard things I was talking about.  I did other, really difficult hard things today.  But a pat on the back to me for that one, I guess.

I had to go to the DMV today.  During lunch!  It was crazy busy as usual.  I was there to get my license reinstated.  There was a TON of paperwork involved.  I told the man that was helping me that he was the same person who helped me when I had to get a temporary license 2 months ago.  He worked really hard to make sure we had all the right paperwork.  Then there were faxes involved and some waiting and phone calls and my insurance company kept screwing up the fax number and still I DID NOT FREAK OUT.  I covered my little teeny tiny bit of panic very well and kept moving forward.

I also had to surrender my Alaska ID because I’m only allowed ID that has the “alcohol restriction” red stripe on it.  That was a little humiliating, but I’m glad I knew it was coming. And still, I did not freak out.

Later in the day I was in the middle of making a pork shoulder roast when the mother of my 11 yo’s best friend unexpectedly came to introduce herself.  Our kids have been playing together for months, and I have met the Dad and all the kids.  However, tonight the girls are having a sleepover here and so the Moms Must Meet.

My house!  So not perfect!  The food situation!  No homemade bread or cake or pie, no cookies, no bars or anything!  I gave her cold water and offered strawberries, cheese, crackers, all that, but still…nothing homemade is something that would normally have left me in tears after the guests leave.   And my kitchen…in the middle of making a long-cooking dinner…my kitchen was soooo not perfect.

But I survived that, too.  Had a great conversation with the mom, who is a phenomenal person, and went back to cooking after she left.

And then it hit me:  I hadn’t had a panic attack or a meltdown through some very tough stuff (for me…don’t judge!) today.  And that might be proof that my meds are working and that I’m learning to separate my fears from reality.

When I was drinking, all of that would have had me in shaky, “I wanna go home now!” panic for hours.  I would have left the DMV when things didn’t go super smoothly…if I had tried to get my license back at all.  I would probably have spent a week drinking and worrying about what THE WHOLE WORLD will think of me for getting a DUI. I mean, there are PEOPLE at the DMV, and they’re going to *seeeeee* me getting a new license and they’re going to just know that it’s because I got a DUI and I’m a horrible person and I shouldn’t be in public and my  life is Oooooover!!  Ugh.

I made homemade won tons for lunch and pork roast with gravy for dinner.  (The roast was a bad idea…it’s hot here and it really heated up my kitchen and upstairs.)  But it all tasted good, so there’s that.

I have been having stupid cravings.  I mean, stupid and strong.  My whole body seems to be screaming for a drink—well, really, my whole brain.  Stupid brain.  I don’t know if my incredibly confused mind just realized it’s summer and we’re gardening and there’s no booze, or what.

So I called a recovering friend and laid it on her.  She’s my sobriety good fairy, and she granted me a wish—I wished not to drink.  And I haven’t.

All those little things are so much easier to deal with in sobriety.  I am so happy to have been sober 102 days.

To add to the thrilling tales of the Woman Who Forgot to Worry, I am going to start a 2 week no-sugar challenge.  I bought these

today to see if I liked them.  I do, and I didn’t react to the green one even though I’ve been allergic to apples for a long time.  About 4 weeks ago I *ate* an apple while in the car with the family.  And I didn’t react to it.  So maybe  my allergies are lightening up.  I wonder if that had anything to do with not drinking?  If maybe my body can concentrate on other stuff (like not being freaking allergic to *everything* now that I’m not drowning it in Moscato every night.

So wish me luck and perseverance on that bit!  It’s going to be such a challenge.
Enjoy your Friday and the weekend beyond, everyone.
Keep kicking addiction’s ass!

 

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6 thoughts on “Stress and the Sober Girl

  1. Just wondering… have you had a sleep study? Waking up with headaches can be a symptom of sleep apnea. I was diagnosed with migraines years ago but it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with and treated for sleep apnea that the migraines went away. I was waking up with nauseating headaches (during my 10 sober years too). My husband didn’t hear me stop breathing while I slept. I didn’t realize either but I finally had a sleep study done because I was beyond exhausted. Sleep apnea results in sleep deprivation PLUS deprivation of oxygen to the brain which causes headaches. As if you don’t have enough on your plate already!! But I wanted to mention it because I know how shitty waking up with a migraine can be. Especially since you are doing a stellar job with your whole life (including being a huge inspiration) and deserve to feel great!
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. No, I never have had a sleep study. Thank you for all the information! I do have a diagnosed sleep disorder that means I take powerful sleep medications. I’m not sure he would hear me not breathing as he snores quite a bit.

    Thanks for the positive words! This is quite the adventure!

    xo
    P

    Like

  3. It is an adventure!
    In Minnesota, if you go over a certain BAC, you have to have a “whisky” plate, which advertises right on your license plate to the whole world.
    My friend got this and was so ashamed, she parked far away and walked to work.
    It’s very hard, and you are doing such a good job handling all of these emotions.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! The plate sounds horrible, which is the point I guess.

      For myself, I was in a blackout when I got in the car and would have said with 100% surety that I’d never drink and drive like that. But alcohol gets the better of us in ways we’d never expect.

      Xo
      P

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You totally rocked today. Social anxiety is rough. I’m glad that your meds. are helping. I know just what you mean about someone *seeing* you. My imaginary audience is large and judgmental. I have to remind myself often that the people in the real world care a whole lot less about me and my problems than I imagine them to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I keep telling myself that I’m not nearly as important as my anxiety makes me.

      and what’s with the ruminating and stressing about stupid or tiny things we said or did yeaaarrrsss ago?

      Thanks for the kind words and support!

      Like

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