Doing Hard Things

I am not drinking.  When you’ve read this blog post, you might find that to be a pretty damn good outcome.

Little One and I are in Anchorage.  Our ongoing family emergency has escalated and I had to check a family member into the hospital here.  We drove down yesterday, and got a flat about 40 miles from town.  Thank goodness the Spouse Extraordinaire put a small, cigarette-lighter-activated air compressor in the back of the van.  We were able to inflate the tire and drive slowly, checking about every 8 minutes.  It made for a long 40 miles.  In the end, I got the family member checked in at 2:30 a.m.

My tire has mumps.

Little One and I then went to our hotel, again limping the van along.  We checked in just after 3 and the fire alarm for the whole hotel went off the minute we had jammies on.  So, out to the lobby in our pjs.  Wait for the alarm to be cleared.  Back to the room and to sleep around 4:45.  Up at 9 for a day of finding a new tire (they’re Blizzaks, so we have to replace all 4 in the end), and then the much-promised trip to Chuck E. shootmenow. Then on to the bookstore, where Little One lost me for a minute and burst into tears.  At this point, we’re living on peanut butter sandwiches and bottled water, so back to the hotel room for a bath and some food.

I still have to figure out if we can drive on this tire.  It’s a long, long way home.  

I drove down here and did all the hospital stuff while having intermittent panic attacks.  But, since it was an emergency-a crisis- and since I do crisis well, I made it ok.  The minute I relaxed into this hotel bed, full blown panic washed over me.  I was ready for it, and was able to breathe and meditate through the fear and anxiety. 

The thing is, the minute this emergency turned into an emergency trip, my stupid brain started telling me that a glass of wine would be ok.  We’d be gone from home, Little One wouldn’t know what I was doing really, and nobody would know.  I’d be at a hotel and I could take a bath and have some wine and…doesn’t that sound lovely?  I could handle it.

Seriously?!  What the fuck, brain??

We *just* had an AAA meeting on Wednesday where we talked about the demon that lives in a corner of all alcoholic brains, telling us nonsense like this.  It was uncanny.  I am so glad to have had that discussion, so I could then deal with my own stupid demon, knowing it’s normal and expecting to have to handle some self-imposed stupidity.

Lucky for me my best friend lives here in Anchorage, and knowing I’d be seeing him also helps keep me honest.  He’s a rock as a friend and doesn’t drink.  He also doesn’t judge, but he *does* know about what I’ve been dealing with.

So.  I’m here.  I’m dealing with a pretty big family emergency.  I’m sober.  I’m not going to drink.  I’m writing.  I’m talking to people who can help me through this.  I’m doing all the right things.

THANKS to every single person who reads this blog, whether you post replies or not.  This is difficult stuff, and knowing so many people out there are reading and not judging, that’s very powerful and very helpful.

Keep kicking addiction’s ass!

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19 thoughts on “Doing Hard Things

      1. You know, it *doesn’t* seem odd. I already feel connected to everyone who has ever replied or “liked” any of my posts. When you all write, I want to follow along and cheer your successes and hug you during down moments. It’s quite a brilliant use of the internet.

        xo
        Penelope

        Liked by 1 person

  1. You are an amazing woman, mom and friend. I’m lucky to know you and count you as one of many aspects of my sober life to be ever so grateful for. You grasped the situation head on, charged into they fray and did the necessary tough stuff for your family, and you remained true to yourself and your sobriety. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the insight you have into your own self and your determination to do the next right thing. You are whooping addiction’s ass.
    GFGM

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so very proud of you. I love that you share so honestly, and are thoughtful enough to see what helped you through a situation… as I read, I think, “note to self: brain will continue to make up none sense about how it’s ok at to drink well into this process; be ready.” Stay strong through the days ahead – I believe you when you say you are good in crisis. I am, too. And part of being good in crisis is taking care of everyone else. Rememeber to take care of yourself, too!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Way to keep moving forward, and keeping your head level through it all. What an intense day with all kinds of stressors thrown your way! Its crazy how the “demon in the corner” can just drop in whether you are prepared for it or not, and try to seduce its way back into your life. You did it, you stayed true to yourself! Be proud, feel strong! I hope your family crisis is settling and not taking too much of a toll on you and yours. xo.

    Liked by 1 person

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